As a single parent, not out of necessity but out of choice I recall working three jobs at once. I was teaching college online, teaching college in person and teaching at an elementary school. I guess the 4th job was being a mom, paying the bills, cleaning up the house, getting the oil changed and more. I'm sure you get the picture.
My children were in their teens when I did this. Some might say that was just fine. In hindsight, I realize that I missed many precious moments with them-to make money. The second and third job were certainly extra on top of extra. It wasn't even money that I needed. Don't get me wrong, I used it.
In the blink of an eye, they're all grown up, then what? Once the time has passed, you can't put them back in Onesies and in a cradle to rock them to sleep.
For some parents, it's not work that is taking time from their children, it can be a relationship with someone else, drug use, hanging out in the street, untreated depression or another mental illness. Is there something in your life that is causing you to leave your children alone?
The less caring parents or guardians are around, the likelihood multiplies that your child or any child will join a gang, experiment with underage unprotected sex, underage drinking, drug experimentation and abuse and just plain ole being raised by the internet-YouTube, Instagram, SnapChat, Tumblr and more.
In speaking with young people under the age of 17 who were involved in some of these things, many said: My parents don't care about me or what I do, my friends are doing it, I saw it on a video and another mentioned, I just wanted to feel grown up.
We owe it to our kids to be their authentic first teacher, their closest ally, the person who hears them when they speak and parents they can count on. They must be able to rely upon us to not just tell them what to do but to show them the path to go down. This is one of the reasons I really love the song, "Walk It, Talk It by the Migos. The youth of today don't bend to the wills of external forces so much. They watch our every move and then make their decisions.
So, it's imperative to stop leaving your children alone. The age of the onset of, "Leave me alone" varies but you might experience it from children somewhere between ages 11 and 16. This is a time when your child is attempting to figure out who they are, how they want the world to perceive them, which cliques they want to be part of or not, figure out the pecking order on the playground and such. This isn't the time to leave them alone.
Remember, I've worked with babies days old and the oldest student was 65. On the psych side of things, my youngest client or patient (in different settings) was 2 and my oldest was 93.
Realize that complete privacy is the absolute worse thing you can give your child, especially if for some reason you haven't established a transparent and open communication with your child.
What should raise red flags (not meant to be an all inclusive list):
- Wearing long sleeves or long pants when they usually wear short sleeves and shorts and it isn't winter time
- Always wanting the bedroom door closed
- Rarely or Never wanting to use technology including social media in a common area in the house (kitchen, den)
- Rarely or Never meeting their friends or the parents of their friends
- Always wanting to go to the house of a peer (sometimes where things go on that you don't allow)
- A huge decrease or increase of food intake
- Finding condoms that you haven't given when you're under the impression they are a virgin.
- A sudden interest in wanting to take selfies with less and less clothes on
- The need to lock their phone and not give you the code
- Refusing to add you to their social media accounts,
- Smelling or alcohol, cigarettes or any other possible drug smell
- Breaking curfew with no remorse
- Asking to be excused when it's established family time
- Reduction in the amount or baths or showers your child takes
- Going into rages (loud, possibly violent)
- Drug paraphernalia
- Yellowing of the base of the thumbs
- Darkening around the eyes
- Clear skin becoming pimply or with sores over a short period
- Staying awake for days at a time and then sleeping for days at a time
- Increased need for money
So, when I say stop leaving your child alone, I really mean it. I've personally been told by a parent about their 13 year old having sex beside their apartment building. There was one student who went into the restroom designated for the opposite sex. At that time the student went on to charge $.25 (cents) for a blow job. A grown up confessed to their parent sharing marijuana with them when they were 9 years old. Marijuana , age 9, cocaine by age 10, crack by 11 and then acid, pills, heroine and eventually meth and more. This person grew up with a huge lack of security and proper guidance-according to the standards of what is considered normal in our society.
Stories like these made me write my blog because we must save our children. Don't the majority of us want our children to have a decent life? If so, that means that we must be present in their lives. We must spend more time with them and know what they're doing and who they're doing it with.
Turn off the television, the cell phones and such. Pull out the board games, cards, go and take a walk together as a family, laugh together. Take turns choosing the topics to discuss.
Create a family night where the entire family participates in the process from cleaning, cooking, preparing the table, putting on some music, etc. Make your family time count.
Armed with this information, you have what you need to keep your family safe from many of the perils of the world. What will you do next? Share this, re-post the link in other places, read, 10 Ways to Be a Great Parent, discuss it with your spouse and children? How will you be the change you were meant to be?
Toodles,
Shana Trahan, M.Ed
School Counselor, Therapist-LPC-I
The Trahan Therapy Center
"Shaping Minds and Changing Lives"
Term: Alone- Abandoned, without anyone, left to fend for oneself
Tip: Get to know your children before it's too late!
PODCAST: Let's Keep Our Children Safe
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