Disciplining your child without violence

You might be thinking, "My parents spanked me and I turned out alright" or, "If I spare the rod, I'll spoil the child." You could even be thinking, "A whipping is all that this child will understand."

Many people have the idea that a rod is a hard object or refers to a paddle or something to spank with. The rod, based upon my understanding is a standard or a measure which is set by a parent for a child. It means that we must set standards for our children and keep them accountable to what they've been taught and what they've observed in their household. 

Growing up, I saw a spanking or a few. I don't know if it helped or hurt as a young child I always had my own ideas about things. I don't think that my brother, sister or uncle got spankings. At least I don't recall being there if and when they happened. 

A pleasure of mine was to help with younger cousins when they were babies and toddlers. I would feed them, play with them and take care of them for hours on end. I don't recall ever having to spank any of them. I just showed love and spent time with them.

Years ago, an organization spent a lot of money on research and on publishing its findings on, "Time Out". It became a global sensation in homes and even in daycares and K-12 school rooms. I remember hearing about it everywhere and embracing it with ease as a parent and as a certified educator. As I matured and observed more children of different cultures and ages, to me it became evident that Time Out was all wrong. 

Some people will say, don't give attention to a child when they are making a poor choice. Remember, as parents, grandparents and educators we are supposed to teach children the way that they should go so when they grow old they will not depart from it.

Question: Have you ever been left out of something by friends, coworkers or classmates? How did that make you feel? How do you think that  a three year old child would process being made to leave his parents or friends? Time Out teaches absolute conformity.

What if there was an option that increased the self esteem of the child? How about an option where the child could understand why what they did was unacceptable? What if this moment could build a stronger bond of trust between the caregiver and the child?What if the child was able to learn the lesson that they needed to without corporal punishment?

Before I jump into it, let me say that I understand that some parents are working multiple jobs. Some are single parents with minimal external support. Despite these things, when we chose to have children or to work with them, part of the commitment was to take care of them and teach them in hopes that one day they'd be even better than us. Our children are our responsibility. Children require time and effort. 

Now, back to why we are here. What is this grand option that Shana Trahan, educator of educators has to share with us? What is earth shattering and ground breaking? 

While it will seem quite simple, it's more effective than spanking and Time Out. It must be used consistently for it to be effective. 

The strategy is called, "Time In". What does this mean? It means that when the child does something you'd rather them not do that you turn those Time Out minutes into minutes that you spend sitting with the child. 

You might share a compliment about good behavior with the child. Then ask them about the action they did. Ex. : "Hey Paul, what happened over there with Manga?" During this time you are eye to eye with the child. You are listening attentively. "So, Manga said you were a stupid head? Why did she do that?" Continue to listen until Paul gets to the end. "Paul, I understand. Sometimes we have a rough day and our emotions want to take over. Name calling isn't nice. What is something else you could have done instead of hitting Manga? Could you have used your words or even spoken to me about it? If something like this comes up in the future, what would be a good way to express your emotions?" Listen attentively. "Yes. Sitting a few minutes in the comfort corner to figure out the next step would be a solid idea." "Is now a good time for you and Manga to apologize to each other?"     

This is called "Time In", a phrase coined by me, Shana Trahan. Time In represents taking the time to communicate eye to eye in a positive posture. It represents hearing the child out and letting them know that you understand. It also embraces, asking for their solution. If they aren't able to come up with one on their own, the adult could ask them, "Would you want to do 10 jumping jacks to calm down or maybe put your head down for three minutes to think about something that makes you happy?" Ultimately, the child gets to feel special because they get to spend more time with you one on one and they get to feel heard and in this process you are teaching them how to solve problems in a way that is non violent. 

What do you think? If you have children, 17 and under please try using this consistently with them. Please share your experiences and feedback. 

Disclaimer: If children have been raised in a violent household for years, it will take a while for this approach to catch on but if you explain to them that you've decided to use this different approach, they will love you so much for it. You'll begin to see the difference in time. 

Don't forget to follow The Trahan Therapy Center like and subscribe to our YouTube, add us on Instagram, friend us on Facebook and call for your therapy session today. We can see international clients and clients in Texas, Delaware, Rhode Island and New Mexico. We can all benefit from good therapy. 

 A new year and a new lesson

Every new year, millions of people make resolutions and set new goals all while not considering the lessons of life that they have been presented with multiple times.

You might be wondering what I am talking about. I could say it's how I see things because of growing up in church, but that wouldn't be true. This is more about what I have learned living life. Who are you and is your life going in circles?

Yesterday I was having a conversation with a friend and I described this scenario. "Since my dad died, I really haven't heard from his family like talking about it. My uncle used to call and I would call him. Unfortunately he passed away last year. But, the cousins and other aunts I spent a lot of my life with growing up with who I used to call from time to time don't call or check on me. I've decided to just leave them alone. I've decided to stop calling." My friend went on to ask, "Why are you going to let them change your character or who you are?" I exclaimed, "I am not letting them change who I am, but I have learned a lesson that they have taught me!" He goes on to say, "Don't let them change who you are naturally." In response, I shared, "I have learned that if people are your family or not and you're the only one calling to stop calling.My time is valuable and the effort it takes to reach out to people who aren't reaching out is the effort I could spend on people who are reaching out, on myself or my business ventures." 

Needless to say, we didn't see things the same way, but the way I grew up, with my family being really close caused me to reach out over the years. At this point, though-I don't do social media as in my opinion it has a great potential to steal your time. Maybe it's not that they don't care but that they assume that I should be trolling their social media pages to find out about their lives. Regardless, the lesson I learned was that people who love you and care about you will seek you out albeit once a month or several times a year just to check in. So, you nor I have to look for people who aren't looking for us-family or not. 

So, back to the topic at hand. Sometimes our lives will seem to go in circles, have you ever experienced that? Have you ever asked yourself, why does this keep happening to me? If so, let's discuss it. Sometimes we make a decision, the wrong decision-multiple times. Sometimes we don't determine that it's the wrong decision until we've done that thing multiple times. Sometimes we go on repeating this for years on end. Either someone we love and care about brings it to our attention or it just dawns on us that what we are doing isn't working.

Are you that person who feels inclined to believe that your thoughts and decisions are always right? Or are you the person who second guesses themselves most of the time? Are you the person who never knows until you know? It doesn't matter who you are, but there comes a time in our lives when we could read books on decision making, ask someone we believe has more life experience or seemingly a track record of making better decisions than you about what you're experiencing. 

Ask yourself some key questions:

• Am I getting out of this situation what I am putting into it?
• Does doing this add to my happiness?
• Am I doing it because others expect it from me or because I alone want to do it?
• Is this something I'd like my current or future children to know that I am doing?
• Am I on a roller coaster?
• If I continue this, how will it add to my life?
• If I stop this, how will it take away from my life?
• Does what I am doing benefit one person other than myself?
• Does what I am doing benefit the masses? 

You will have your answer about continuing down the path or not based upon the responses to your questions. Just to let you know, you must be honest with yourselves to get the correct answers and the best end result. 

So, I hope that this helps you tremendously. Make sure to check out The Trahan Therapy Center, where we  shape minds and change lives, in New Mexico, Delaware, Texas and Rhode Island. Check us out on YouTube, Facebook, Instagram and on most podcast platforms. 

Don't forget to share with a friend as people around us are often experiencing some of the same things that we are. "Kindness is the cure for sadness." S. Trahan 2023

How to find a therapist for me

Finding a therapist is the same as finding a great hairdresser or barber. It can have an effect on you that others can clearly see for a while. Of course there are different strokes for different folks. Each therapist/counselor/psychotherapist has their own personality. Sometimes that will be what keeps you or causes you to go away looking for another therapist.

First you should ask yourself some questions:

• Am I really ready to work on myself?
• Am I ready to realize some things about myself that I might have been denying for a period?
• Am I looking for someone to only look at me and nod?
• Do I want an interactive therapist?
• Am I willing to stay in therapy until my goals are met or exceeded?
• Am I ready to have a more fulfilling life?
• Am I willing to be consistent and to put my mental health first?
• Am I having mental health concerns?
• Am I having relationship concerns?
• Am I not being the best parent that I can be?
• Am I unhappy?
• Am I uncertain about what to do with my life?
• Are my thoughts racing?
• Am I having difficulty sleeping?
• Am I ready to be wholly honest with the counselor to get a great outcome?
• Am I able to consider my therapist how I might need my therapist to consider me?
• Am I stable but I want to have someone to check in with monthly or quarterly to ensure that all continues to go well in my world?

Finding a good therapist for you should include:

• Choosing to pay cash (to keep all of your information private) or to use insurance
• If you will use insurance-looking on their site to find someone in your state
• (I can see clients internationally, in Texas, Delaware and in New Mexico in the U.S.)
• Another great site to find therapist options is Psychology Today
• Read their profiles (which one do you feel like you relate to the most)
• Choose at least two to call to have a short consultation with 
• Have two to three questions ready to ask during the consultation and take note of the answers
• Choose a therapist, make an appointment
• Read everything that you sign as each therapist has their own guidelines which may discuss fees, missed appointments and other noteworthy topics

If for any reason you are wanting a therapist to agree with everything you say, you may not find that. It is possible that your perspective on things is quite clear and that could happen. Just, don't let a varying perspective turn you off or away from therapy. 

To find success in therapy, there are three things that will often be required. 

They are:

1. Make a plan (treatment plan)
2. Implement the plan
3. Be consistent with following the plan, attending therapy and completing the homework given 

I hope that this has been quite informative for you. If you have any questions, please response here or use the link below to reach out.

Shana Trahan, LPC

World Renowned Therapist

Treating clients: Internationally, in Texas, Delaware and in New Mexico

More from Shana

Peaceful Living

 What is peaceful living?

Someone said to me the other day, "I don't deal with many people because people have lots of problems and they try to dump all of their stuff on you." I thought about it and what I came up with is the following. We teach people how to treat us according to the boundaries that we set. For example, if you are a person who likes to be aware before your guests show up and a particular person has shown up 3 different times without asking if they could come over but you don't say anything (despite the idea that you believe that they should know better) you have taught them that their behavior is okay since you remained silent. Part of you could be thinking, "I don't want to be mean or hurt their feelings."  The question is, is setting boundaries hurting people's feelings? Is telling someone something that they won't agree with something that should typically hurt someone's feelings?

We all grew up differently and we have different ways of garnering respect and peace. When I speak with some clients, sometimes I say the things that some friends won't say. For example, a friend might not have shared with you that they are going through a tough time. Now you call the friend to share about the three terrible things going on in your life. Though the person is your friend (and some friends say, "It's okay, tell me everything.") they might not have the emotional capacity to handle the things going on with you and with themselves. This is why I  suggest that everyone have a good therapist in their phone, on tap, close by that you see regularly. 

Let's look more closely at peaceful living. A peaceful life is one when your mind is at peace. It is full of healthy boundaries implemented. It is focused on your higher power, taking care of yourself and contributing positively to the world. It is enjoying some quiet time and vacations. It is also finding happiness in the little things. Are you doing these things? Do you have a hobby or some fun activities that you enjoy that don't require you to solely sit on the sofa in front of the television?

Peaceful living is a choice. From the outside looking in, some people will not understand. Some things you can do to obtain peace of mind is to walk through forgiveness of others who have done you wrong with your therapist. Also, be honest about who you are and what you want out of life. Some people enjoy working at Walmart or in retail while others strive to become corporate executives. Whatever you choose to become, be the best at that. That is how you set yourself apart. 

Peaceful living is being at one with nature and with things that God made. Loving it, being grateful for nature and how beautiful it is and spending time with animals, trees, a Fall breeze or the Carribean Sea-an unusually peaceful place for me. I was in Jamaica and I took a boat far out into the sea and I went snorkeling. When I got out of the boat and I looked around, I could not see land at all. At one point, I just closed my eyes and thought about how I felt blessed, about how great God is to have created such a magnificent sea. Being there, in the water felt so peaceful. The peace was greater than any I'd ever known. 

Where is your greatest place of true peace? Not just quiet and lack of commotion. Where do you connect with the world or the earth to the degree that nothing else is at play in your thoughts?

You can have a peaceful life. It starts with knowing who you are, forgiving others and sometimes yourself for past problems and with setting healthy boundaries with those around you. Boundaries can be set in a kind way but you must be consistent with upholding them or others won't take the boundary setting seriously.

Go out and have a peaceful life.

Shana Trahan, LPC

Serving: Texas, New Mexico and Delaware

More from Shana

Stay Encouraged

 There are so many horrific news stories in the world but you're still alive. Stay encouraged.

Someone didn't do what they said they were going to do, but you've still got you, stay encouraged.

You had to put your class off for a semester, life happens. Stay encouraged.

When you woke up, you didn't feel like your best self, take a walk and apply some positive self talk, remain encouraged.

Each day presents us with a new opportunity as the sun rises. As we watch the sun set, we should remain encouraged that the dawn will come again.

Let the focus be creating the life that you want to be your world, your reality. 

Remember to stay grateful despite challenges as there is usually something good like- you're still here.

When you don't know the answer, reach out to a good Librarian-they'll usually have a good book for that.

If that was good but you want more, search Google for answers.

When you realize that a person is really what you desire to speak with, find a good therapist.

If you're still here, you still have a fighting chance. You can become the best version of yourself. 

Ask yourself and two others, "What's good about me?" Tell them, "Thank you." 

Celebrate those things and give thanks for them. Then decide on the positive mark you'd like to leave in the world.

How will you help others? How will you add happiness to the world? How will you take care of yourself daily in a healthy way?

For most questions, there is an answer. Stay encouraged.

Shana Trahan, LPC

Now serving: Texas, New Mexico and Delaware

More from me

 

Maintain Mental Health Video

Appreciating Others

There comes a time when appreciating others should take place. Should it be your mom or dad, friends, teachers, the mailman? Should it be everyone who is kind and helpful? Should it be given to every thoughtful and courteous soul? Why should you even think about another human and making their day with gestures of appreciation?

While I'd love to blame it on something I saw and heard in a movie the other day about Steve Jobs, I'm not sure that the I-Mac, I-Phone, I-Pad, etcetera are all to blame for the catastrophe of people not considering others and failing to appreciate others. It is true that some people can't put down their piece of technology long enough to stop looking at their Instagram, Tic Toc, Snapchat and other apps. Does it mean that we have become a culture who no longer considers others enough to show appreciation?

As a kid, I remembered being so excited when my grandfather gave me some money to go to the Southern Po-boy shop. I thanked him so much and then gave him a big hug to boot. Granted, it was something he would do when I would ask, but I wasn't greedy, so my asking was intermittent. But, each time he did it, he could see from my response how much it meant.

Have you ever been in a relationship with a friend, a good co-worker or an intimate relationship where you began to drop the ball on things? Did you stop doing the little things and then began to wonder why the other person began to change in the relationship? Sometimes it's us. Sometimes we don't do what we should be doing to let others know how much we value them and why. Why is that?

Most children grow up with their parents or grandparents and many of them learn a stability, the stability of that person/those people showing up everyday and feeding them, loving them and taking time with them. They get used to however they are treated and the creature comforts they are treated to day in and day out. As parents and grandparents, it seems like our job is to give until there is no more breath in our bodies. Some teachers make projects out of mothers and fathers day activities. When do the children begin to appreciate the parents?

I might be wrong, but I have a few ideas about some of these things. If you have a friend who treats you well, keeps your secrets and shows you love-let them know that you love them and do things to show them that while they are alive-don't wait on them. Lead by example.

If you have a mate or spouse, learn their love language. What does it take for that person you love to feel cherished? To feel loved? If you don't know or haven't paid attention, just ask them. There are no stupid questions in love when you're focusing on making your relationship better. Show them you love them. Words can be nice, but love is also a verb so show your love in the ways they receive it best.

About the children, perhaps we must start when they are young by teaching them to do acts of kindness for one another. We should encourage the use of words or phrases like: "Thank you", "I appreciate it", "That means so much to me", "You're welcome", "How can I help", "You are appreciated", "You are a gem",  and others. We should teach them to use kind words with their peers, with their parents and in the community as a whole.

In none of these situations should we expect perfection, but if we put on our best self for family, friends and others, if nothing else-the karma should show you some kindness.

Thanks for being here. Have an absolutely wonderful day.

Shana Trahan, LPC, MEd
The Trahan Therapy Center

Check out these great offerings:
The great books