Disciplining your child without violence

You might be thinking, "My parents spanked me and I turned out alright" or, "If I spare the rod, I'll spoil the child." You could even be thinking, "A whipping is all that this child will understand."

Many people have the idea that a rod is a hard object or refers to a paddle or something to spank with. The rod, based upon my understanding is a standard or a measure which is set by a parent for a child. It means that we must set standards for our children and keep them accountable to what they've been taught and what they've observed in their household. 

Growing up, I saw a spanking or a few. I don't know if it helped or hurt as a young child I always had my own ideas about things. I don't think that my brother, sister or uncle got spankings. At least I don't recall being there if and when they happened. 

A pleasure of mine was to help with younger cousins when they were babies and toddlers. I would feed them, play with them and take care of them for hours on end. I don't recall ever having to spank any of them. I just showed love and spent time with them.

Years ago, an organization spent a lot of money on research and on publishing its findings on, "Time Out". It became a global sensation in homes and even in daycares and K-12 school rooms. I remember hearing about it everywhere and embracing it with ease as a parent and as a certified educator. As I matured and observed more children of different cultures and ages, to me it became evident that Time Out was all wrong. 

Some people will say, don't give attention to a child when they are making a poor choice. Remember, as parents, grandparents and educators we are supposed to teach children the way that they should go so when they grow old they will not depart from it.

Question: Have you ever been left out of something by friends, coworkers or classmates? How did that make you feel? How do you think that  a three year old child would process being made to leave his parents or friends? Time Out teaches absolute conformity.

What if there was an option that increased the self esteem of the child? How about an option where the child could understand why what they did was unacceptable? What if this moment could build a stronger bond of trust between the caregiver and the child?What if the child was able to learn the lesson that they needed to without corporal punishment?

Before I jump into it, let me say that I understand that some parents are working multiple jobs. Some are single parents with minimal external support. Despite these things, when we chose to have children or to work with them, part of the commitment was to take care of them and teach them in hopes that one day they'd be even better than us. Our children are our responsibility. Children require time and effort. 

Now, back to why we are here. What is this grand option that Shana Trahan, educator of educators has to share with us? What is earth shattering and ground breaking? 

While it will seem quite simple, it's more effective than spanking and Time Out. It must be used consistently for it to be effective. 

The strategy is called, "Time In". What does this mean? It means that when the child does something you'd rather them not do that you turn those Time Out minutes into minutes that you spend sitting with the child. 

You might share a compliment about good behavior with the child. Then ask them about the action they did. Ex. : "Hey Paul, what happened over there with Manga?" During this time you are eye to eye with the child. You are listening attentively. "So, Manga said you were a stupid head? Why did she do that?" Continue to listen until Paul gets to the end. "Paul, I understand. Sometimes we have a rough day and our emotions want to take over. Name calling isn't nice. What is something else you could have done instead of hitting Manga? Could you have used your words or even spoken to me about it? If something like this comes up in the future, what would be a good way to express your emotions?" Listen attentively. "Yes. Sitting a few minutes in the comfort corner to figure out the next step would be a solid idea." "Is now a good time for you and Manga to apologize to each other?"     

This is called "Time In", a phrase coined by me, Shana Trahan. Time In represents taking the time to communicate eye to eye in a positive posture. It represents hearing the child out and letting them know that you understand. It also embraces, asking for their solution. If they aren't able to come up with one on their own, the adult could ask them, "Would you want to do 10 jumping jacks to calm down or maybe put your head down for three minutes to think about something that makes you happy?" Ultimately, the child gets to feel special because they get to spend more time with you one on one and they get to feel heard and in this process you are teaching them how to solve problems in a way that is non violent. 

What do you think? If you have children, 17 and under please try using this consistently with them. Please share your experiences and feedback. 

Disclaimer: If children have been raised in a violent household for years, it will take a while for this approach to catch on but if you explain to them that you've decided to use this different approach, they will love you so much for it. You'll begin to see the difference in time. 

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